Be More Disappointing

I read an essay from Time a few months ago, written by a psychologist called Self-Silencing Is Making Women Sick. The essay was fascinating to me and spoke a lot about the experience I have as a therapist working with women in my practice, as well as my own experience.

While I don’t think that this is a particular issue that only impacts women, I think women tend to be the one’s who are more deeply affected. Thanks to the patriarchy and general socialization of women, we are often taught to put other’s needs before our own. We’re fearful of disappointing others or letting them down.

One of the most powerful things I’ve learned from my own time in therapy and what I try to explore with my own clients, is understanding self-silencing, self-betrayal, and lack of boundaries.

It isn’t possible to make everyone happy all the time. It’s okay to have wants and needs. It’s okay to say ‘no.’

None of these things are comfortable, especially for those of us who have learned to be flexible and pliant and amenable in order to avoid/prevent conflict in our families or origin.

But when we don’t speak up about our own thoughts and feelings and place other people’s ahead of our own, consistently, to our own detriment, then we can start to see a build up of stress, anxiety, resentment, and anger. These emotions are uncomfortable and society often tells us that we shouldn’t express them.

So they get pushed down and the problems compound.

Now, I don’t think anyone should be an asshole. There are ways to set boundaries and have difficult conversations in assertive, respectful ways, and there will always be circumstances where placing someone’s needs before your own is the right choice. Everything is nuanced.

But it is important to evaluate and understand when and how we say no, if ever, and how we understand our own wants and needs. Sometimes, especially if everyone involved is an adult, they just have to manage being disappointed.

Life is full of disappointment and it is an unreasonable expectation that someone will self-sacrifice their own wants and needs and well-being, just to be sure that someone else doesn’t have to deal with a very normal, human experience.