This one is for all my high achievers and perfectionists.
Therapy is not an easy thing to do. It requires trust, vulnerability, and discomfort. The idea is that you’re opening up to someone about some of your deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings, talking about things you may never have talked about with anyone before, and hoping that the person you’re entrusting this information to can receive it without judgment.
For those of you who grew up needing to be perfect, reliable, self-contained, and in control, the idea of being that vulnerable can be really uncomfortable and scary.
Therapy is often the exact opposite of what many high achievers and perfectionists grew up with. You were expected to have it all together and buttoned up tight. The expectation was to “do well” and take care of yourself and everyone around you, with little room for self-examination or support.
So going into therapy, where the expectation is that you don’t need to take care of anyone, and the time and space are completely yours to talk about difficult/uncomfortable things, you might blanche.
The knee-jerk reaction may be to be the model or perfect client and therapy becomes another task to do “well.”
You think of all the “right” things to say so that your therapist doesn’t have to worry about you. You say that everything is “fine” and “good” and “there’s not really all that much going on, things are okay.”
If you talk about something in session, it’s usually minor with a “simple” solution.
But there’s no such thing as being a “perfect” client and there’s no such thing as “doing therapy right.”
Therapy is what you make of it. And it is about opening up and getting deep.
When you try to “win” at therapy, you’re really not doing any therapeutic work. You’re continuing to engage in patterns that you’ve been working with for your whole life and the cycle continues.
It’s probably not causing any harm but you’re not going to get anything out of therapy that way.
It’s hard to talk about things that are uncomfortable to us, absolutely. And it takes time to build rapport and trust with a therapist.
A good place to start could be talking about wanting to be “the perfect client” or trying to “do therapy right” or “win at therapy.”
Sometimes our nervous system needs to know that our discomfort can be received well and learning that your therapist can work with you and receive whatever it is you’re bringing to the table with empathy, that can go a long way in the healing process.
It opens us up to trust and vulnerability and learning that we can do those things and nothing will happen that we can’t come back from.
If you’re interested in working on your own patterns related to high achievement and perfectionism, reach out for a free 15-minute phone call consultation here!
