What even is people-pleasing?
This is maybe one of my favorite things to talk about in therapy with clients. I was on a podcast when I first started my private practice and one of the clinicians called herself “a recovering people-pleaser” and I just loved the term.
We hear about people-pleasing a lot. It’s a common term that’s been around for quite some time and has hit the pop psychology/social media space.
But what IS people-pleasing even?
People-pleasing is when an individual prioritizes the wants, needs, and opinions of others, above their own. Often times this is to gain approval and comes at the expense of the individual’s own well-being.
People-pleasers often feel like they “should” do something or that other people’s needs come before their own.
Now, just like with everything, there’s nuance here. Are there certain situations where putting someone’s wants and needs before your own appropriate? Of course! But if this is a pattern that you find yourself in, you may notice feeling exhausted, resentful, frustrated, and/or unfulfilled.
People-pleasing can come from a variety of places. Did you grow up in a family where you learned that a parent or sibling’s wants/needs came before yours? Did you have a friend group that seemed to constantly be in flux and you were the mediator?
People-pleasing is often a way for individuals to protect themselves. If you do what other people want, you’ll be part of the group, you’ll be liked, you’ll be safe, you’ll avoid conflict.
The trouble usually comes when your capacity to continually accommodate people runs out. This builds over time. We become increasingly burnt out, frustrated, angry, and resentful. We maybe start avoiding things or feel drained.
On the plus side, there are ways to be able to limit our people-pleasing. Understanding where it comes from and then how to address it can go a long way in helping us do it less and understand when placing someone’s wants and needs above ours is effective and when it’s not.
If you’re interested in working on people-pleasing in therapy, feel free to reach out for a consultation!